The Pain

Life is full of obstacles, but we need them in our life. So that we will grow up, be mature, be strong and so on. Human being are so damn obvious, also can say that they are cruel and terrible creatures. Why I said so ? Because I experienced, or I should say im experiencing it...

I wrote before, I used to be very happy about my life, liked to joke around, talked crap, laughed like crazy, I really enjoyed it. But now, I feel my life is suck, damn suck. I feel miserable, I dont know what should I do. Inside of my heart, is full of darkness. There is no light inside, totally in dark.

Even though how hard I tried, it still the same. I tried to mix with them, joined them, but at the end, I felt that I have been isolated. Whenever I talked, no one will replied until I said it again. They will talk to me when they need me, or they want to use me, they will ask me. Besides that, they are like wearing a mask, they will talk to you even though they dont like you. They say 'love you' or 'miss you' with their mouths to you, but inside their hearts, they are cursing you. Thats why I said, human being are cruel and terrible creatures.

They say 'love you, miss you', and so on easily to others. I know, girls are like that. But did they ever think about it ? We actually cant simply use those kind of 'words', because those 'words' are meaningful and important. For an example, she was my closest friend, named O. We used to say those kind of 'words'. We also... Ahh... Im lazy to talk about it...

What my moral lecturer said is right, we have to choose the right friends, not to choose the wrong friends. But where to search for the 'right friends' ? The 'right friends' are distinguishing in this world, becoming lesser and lesser... If you want to have a friendship just like, 'Tomoyo and Sakura' in Cardcaptor Sakura, sorry, its hard to find nowadays.

I feel tired, damn tired and suffer. I just want to leave that place, full of sadness, no happiness. Now I understand why they want to commit suicide, I thought before because its hard for someone that is very noisy suddenly become a quiet person and lonely... But I cant do that...

Seriously, I need someone that understand my feeling to chat with me. Or should I just search for a doctor ? I feel that its meaningless for me to stay in this world... Im seriously, really really in pain... My heart is going to burst...

Loneliness

When a talkative person slowly changed into a quiet person, what does it mean ? When a popular person slowly changed into infamous person, what does it mean ? Im talking about myself, because that person is me...

Usually, I used to talk jokes with my friends. Or sometimes talked nonsense things. What a happy moment. But I just found out that, the other side of me came out. Im too scare to talk with others recently.... Whenever my friends asked or talked with me, I will just answered what they asked and talked. Because of this, my friends slowly not to talk or chat with me anymore.

Actually, Im scare to be alone too. I just feel that, the people around me, dont really like to talk with me. Even though I just sat beside them, they will only chat with their own gang. Its just like dont want me to join their gang. And, even I act like want to gossip a bit, they just say 'nothing la, its just a crap' or some other replies, then change another topic that I dont know. Or sometimes, they just ignore me too.

Because of that, Im too scare to come back to university. I dont want to watch any drama from them. Normally, people like to watch drama. But this kind of drama will hurts people a lot sometimes. I rather stay at home and become an otaku than came to university to watch this kind of hurting drama. I used to like university life, because I met lots of new friends. But who knows...

Its a new semester now. I hoped I can be different class with them, start to know new friends. Who knows, I remain the same with them. Oh my god... This is so suffer !!! There is a friend of mine called XY, we used to study together and had dinner or supper together. Sometimes, we even shared our sadness together. But now, because she is not staying in hostel and we are in different class now, I have to do everything alone. Eat dinner alone, study alone and so on.

Maybe you will think that Im a coward, selfish and childish thinking. Yes, I admit Im a coward, selfish and childish thinking, but who will like to be alone ? Of course everyone hope to have some close friends together. I really hope that I can forget every single things, its just like memory lost. I really hope that, but I cant do that. What I can say is, once people know me, they start to avoid me. And I should say that Im too sensitive because Im scare to be alone. No one will understand my feeling and what I have been gone through, I think...

Answer...

Okay, I found out something. I made a big mistake, very very big. It so damn obvious, but I didnt notice it. I continued to believe that, but it kept getting worse...I just found out recently.

The answer is just beside me, but I didnt notice it. Thats why I have made myself suffered for so long. Even though im still kinda cant believe it, but I chose to let it go. It too obvious, I cant describe how obvious it is, but I can say is really very damn obvious.

I chose the wrong path. I should not be with you at the very beginning. BUT I chose you. DAMN !!! What I want to do now is, to be an otaku, stay at home, no worries. But this will not happen... What a joke...

Confused

Im very confuse now. I dont know, really dont know why I will be like this. Im the one who chose to step out of the group first because I felt pressure, hurt and unhappy. Even though like this, we still got chat with each other, but not the usual way anymore.

I thought I already can let it go, but I just realized that Im not. How come ? I was okay when I saw her chat, play, 'crazy' happily with her new friends, but why now ? I thought I already can forget the pass, and to move forward. But looks like I was wrong, Im still care about her, and not only her, as well as others. I just dont know why, they keep avoiding me or ignoring me except some of them.

Human being is so damn cruel sometimes. Once they get a new friend, they will forget about their previous friends. Im not showing off or what, but Im telling the truth that, I will not do that. Even thought I knew some new friends, Im still care about my previous friends. Maybe because of this, they make fun with my feelings or using me as a tool.

I feel Im all alone in the class, no one to chat, no one to ask, all alone. I dont mean that everyone must treat me like a princess or what, just normal way. But you guys just trying to avoid me, I can feel that. Its too obvious, damn obvious.

Or maybe should I say Im too serious towards the friendship ? I think part of the answer is yes, because Im a person like that, too kind or something towards friends sometimes until they all use or play with my kindness. At the end, Im the one who get hurt and suffer. Is there any wrong for me to be too kind towards friends or too serious in friendship ?

Now, I feel scare to mix with any friends now. I know I say this, you guys will think Im childish or what, but I just dont want to experience the pain that I was and am suffering. Its really hurt, damn hurt until it can make someone to commit suicide even though its just for friendship problem.

Different World

I feel like, the distance between us become further apart, even though we still sit together sometimes. I dont know whether you care about me or not, I dont want to know. But, what I know is, you only mix with the friends that are as talkative, cute, hyperactive, outgoing as you. You only together with me just because im your secondary school friend, thats what I feel.

Im trying to make myself to 'exist' in this world, but, in the end, I feel suffer and pressure. Whenever im with you, you just like having fun with your friends in another world only, even though im trying myself to involve. I feel really really pressure with you, you give me no happiness, but sadness. You with me just you want to 'ying chou' me, thats what you do always.

Now, I know that, we really really born from different world. You are talkative always, im a quiet person in sometimes. You guys will think that a talkative person plus with a quiet person will become balance. Sorry guys, you are wrong.

Damn Pissed

I damn pissed off now !!! I waited her for so long, then at the end say, 'no'. What the... I just hate it, the life im having now, been ignored, been left out and so on.

Just now when I woke up, I felt damn hungry. So, I smsed the friend im use to have dinner with. After few minutes, she didnt reply me. For sure, she was sleeping. Then, I called her. She didnt pick up. But she reply my message, told me that she was sleeping. Okay, fine. I thought after my call, she will ready herself and have dinner together. Who knows, she said she had her dinner. What the ? Why dont she just tell me at the beginning ? I sent her almost 3-4 messages, then she just told me that.

'Its actually not dinner. 5 plus we makan. I'll consider it dinner now because I want to sleep now. Dont want go eat... Sorry ya', thats what she told me. If you really think about someone, you will wake up and tell that person, then continue your sleep. It is that hard ?

Or maybe you guys think Im 'xiao qi' or what, I dont know. I just hate it when people treat me like this, like dont care about me whether Im in heaven or hell.

Will I be Okay ?

It is already July... But things didnt change, it still remains the same as usual. I keep on forgetting about it but still... I just dont understand why the real world is so damn cruel.

Whenever I see her, it reminds me the problem im facing. Im trying to forget but I see her everyday. T_T So, how long should I take this time for me to fully recover ? I dont know... It just like, my moody will back when I see her. Dang... Im 60% okay, another 40% still in sadness...

Grr... I hate this part of myself, easily get hurt by this little tiny problem !!! *yawn* tired been hurt by this. Should I say 'I will be better soon' ? I dont know... Let time to cure this...