Specially For You, My 'Used to' Trusted Friend

To one of my friends,

You know what, im getting tired to be with you. You used to be my trusted friend. I met you during xxx. We used to have fun together, I was happy when you were beside me. However, recently, I feel that, even though you were just right beside me yet I felt unsafe, the feeling of left behind. I feel that, one day, you will leave me, even forget or dont care about me anymore.

What you and others talked about, I was ?.? full of question marks. I know, this is your problem with them which I should not know about it. I respect you, thats why I didnt ask. But then, did you care about my feelings ? I was sitting there silently, just listening what you guys talked about even though I dont understand at all.

Plus, I feel that you dont trust me at all, you dont rely on me, like one-sided. You told me that you got problem which wanted to share with me, but then when I asked you the next time we met, you refused to tell. Okay, maybe you got your reason why, therefore I didnt ask again. But then, it happened every time. It makes me feel lose hope on you seriously, thats why I didnt ask you anymore. I will just pretend you didnt tell me at all. But somehow, it makes me sad though, you refused to share with me.

However, it seems like I can put it an end to this friendship which makes me feel tired. Now, whenever I go out with you, it seems like I dont really feel sad about it anymore, just like normal friends going out together. Dont blame me, because you are the one who made me lost trust in you. And thanks for everything you have done for me.

*I know she cant read it but still, I cant hold it anymore. Therefore I typed it here.*

Dreams ( Nightmares ) ?

Hmmm.... I got two dreams ( or nightmares ? ). I never dreamt this kind of dreams ( nightmares ) before. It was quite weird for me to dream that. Until now, I also cant believe that. O.O

First, I dreamt that one of my closest friends got a boyfriend. From that day onwards, she started to ignore me. But sometimes, she still searches for me, chats with me, hang out together still. However, when comes to her boyfriend, she will just ignore me. T.T I still remember, got one scene is that, we were in a restaurant, having meal together, just the three of us. Obviously, she kept on chatting with her boyfriend, I was sitting there, looking at them chatting lovely-dovey... T.T

Second dream is almost the same, but a little bit different. What I can remember is that, I cant trust her anymore, I lose trust on her. I kept on telling her my stuff, then she went to spread to others. I was shock when I learnt this and cried for few days. And I felt weird, why im the one who keep on telling her, but she didnt tell me her stuff ? What makes me laugh is the ending of this dream is we met each other in court ! What ?! Court ?! haha...

Its funny huh... But I seriously hope that, that will not happen to me. If yes, I think I cant handle it and cant accept the facts... I think I will be in somewhere else ? haha... Who knows...

The 'Treatment' From Them

Ah... I'm exhausted... Everyday, I have to watch those kind of 'dramas' which I dont like to watch. I'm seriously exhausted. I want to remove them from my friend list, but it seems I cant do it, because I'm still take them as my friends. However, not as close as last time anymore, because I found out their true intentions and I feel disappointed with their attitudes. We used to hang to have a drink at night, hanging out together, watched movie, singing and so on. Now, there is a gap between me and them, they created it, not me.

There is a so called 'friend' of mine, named C (This is another C, not the previous one). She used to ask me to accompany her to do this and that. Since she WAS my friend, so I helped her, accompanied her and so on. After our Form 5 graduation, we still hanged out together to have a drink and so on, as I said above.

However, recently, I found out that, there are lot of secrets I dont know. And even she wanted to have a gathering, I was not included. There are many gatherings that I dont know, totally zero. She purposely did that, because I'm not her friend anymore ? Like one day, I went to HER BEST FRIEND's room. They was chatting with each other through MSN messenger. I didnt mean to look at their conversation, I accidentally read their conversation, only few sentences.

(It is not exactly the same with their conversation, but this is what the meaning is...)

C : wanna come out to have a gathering ?

C2 : okay, no problem... oh yeah, want to call XXX (Thats me) or not ?

C : better dont la, because I want to talk about him...

It happened twice, not once. Even though C didnt want me to join, C2 insisted me to go. But at the end, I didnt go, and dont ask me why. That time, I was like O.O plus hurt... Am I not your friend anymore ? Am I not reliable ? Do I look like a person who will simply go and spread out the secrets ? Is that love more important that friends ? Am I a tool for you to release your lonelyness ? Some more, C2 brought her another BEST FRIEND to the gathering. It is so damn childish should I say ? Or what ?

Some more, they only so called CARE about their another friend, R. Just like last Saturday, they went to KL without inviting me. Yes, C2 TOLD me about that, but didnt INVITE me to go. So, I was joking and asked her, "Why didnt ask me de ?" Guess whats her reply ? She replied with "You want to come also can, but you are the fifth one, have to find another partner." (Because they went there by bus) What the.... ? Is this the way for you to INVITE your friend ? Just because I'm the fifth, I cant join you guys ? Who proof this can be an excuse ? I felt funny and I seriously laughed at them, plus a little hurt.

And now, C is planning to have another gathering again, without me. She asked them through facebook, only three of them. C posted at C2's wall said by tagging R that "R, v go watch movie lo.. long time no c u adi.. miss u le.. come out la.. hey C2 i feel lik wanna go sing k.. wanna go ?" Oh, okay... I'm an invisible person to you guys... This time the gathering, without me again, very good... This is how they treat their friend after using their friend.

I didnt mean to say this out, but they seriously hurt me enough, not once, but many times, uncountable. So, I release my tension that got from them here. >.<> I guess once you guys read this, you guys will hate me even more or talk bad about me even more...

The Pain

Life is full of obstacles, but we need them in our life. So that we will grow up, be mature, be strong and so on. Human being are so damn obvious, also can say that they are cruel and terrible creatures. Why I said so ? Because I experienced, or I should say im experiencing it...

I wrote before, I used to be very happy about my life, liked to joke around, talked crap, laughed like crazy, I really enjoyed it. But now, I feel my life is suck, damn suck. I feel miserable, I dont know what should I do. Inside of my heart, is full of darkness. There is no light inside, totally in dark.

Even though how hard I tried, it still the same. I tried to mix with them, joined them, but at the end, I felt that I have been isolated. Whenever I talked, no one will replied until I said it again. They will talk to me when they need me, or they want to use me, they will ask me. Besides that, they are like wearing a mask, they will talk to you even though they dont like you. They say 'love you' or 'miss you' with their mouths to you, but inside their hearts, they are cursing you. Thats why I said, human being are cruel and terrible creatures.

They say 'love you, miss you', and so on easily to others. I know, girls are like that. But did they ever think about it ? We actually cant simply use those kind of 'words', because those 'words' are meaningful and important. For an example, she was my closest friend, named O. We used to say those kind of 'words'. We also... Ahh... Im lazy to talk about it...

What my moral lecturer said is right, we have to choose the right friends, not to choose the wrong friends. But where to search for the 'right friends' ? The 'right friends' are distinguishing in this world, becoming lesser and lesser... If you want to have a friendship just like, 'Tomoyo and Sakura' in Cardcaptor Sakura, sorry, its hard to find nowadays.

I feel tired, damn tired and suffer. I just want to leave that place, full of sadness, no happiness. Now I understand why they want to commit suicide, I thought before because its hard for someone that is very noisy suddenly become a quiet person and lonely... But I cant do that...

Seriously, I need someone that understand my feeling to chat with me. Or should I just search for a doctor ? I feel that its meaningless for me to stay in this world... Im seriously, really really in pain... My heart is going to burst...

Loneliness

When a talkative person slowly changed into a quiet person, what does it mean ? When a popular person slowly changed into infamous person, what does it mean ? Im talking about myself, because that person is me...

Usually, I used to talk jokes with my friends. Or sometimes talked nonsense things. What a happy moment. But I just found out that, the other side of me came out. Im too scare to talk with others recently.... Whenever my friends asked or talked with me, I will just answered what they asked and talked. Because of this, my friends slowly not to talk or chat with me anymore.

Actually, Im scare to be alone too. I just feel that, the people around me, dont really like to talk with me. Even though I just sat beside them, they will only chat with their own gang. Its just like dont want me to join their gang. And, even I act like want to gossip a bit, they just say 'nothing la, its just a crap' or some other replies, then change another topic that I dont know. Or sometimes, they just ignore me too.

Because of that, Im too scare to come back to university. I dont want to watch any drama from them. Normally, people like to watch drama. But this kind of drama will hurts people a lot sometimes. I rather stay at home and become an otaku than came to university to watch this kind of hurting drama. I used to like university life, because I met lots of new friends. But who knows...

Its a new semester now. I hoped I can be different class with them, start to know new friends. Who knows, I remain the same with them. Oh my god... This is so suffer !!! There is a friend of mine called XY, we used to study together and had dinner or supper together. Sometimes, we even shared our sadness together. But now, because she is not staying in hostel and we are in different class now, I have to do everything alone. Eat dinner alone, study alone and so on.

Maybe you will think that Im a coward, selfish and childish thinking. Yes, I admit Im a coward, selfish and childish thinking, but who will like to be alone ? Of course everyone hope to have some close friends together. I really hope that I can forget every single things, its just like memory lost. I really hope that, but I cant do that. What I can say is, once people know me, they start to avoid me. And I should say that Im too sensitive because Im scare to be alone. No one will understand my feeling and what I have been gone through, I think...

Answer...

Okay, I found out something. I made a big mistake, very very big. It so damn obvious, but I didnt notice it. I continued to believe that, but it kept getting worse...I just found out recently.

The answer is just beside me, but I didnt notice it. Thats why I have made myself suffered for so long. Even though im still kinda cant believe it, but I chose to let it go. It too obvious, I cant describe how obvious it is, but I can say is really very damn obvious.

I chose the wrong path. I should not be with you at the very beginning. BUT I chose you. DAMN !!! What I want to do now is, to be an otaku, stay at home, no worries. But this will not happen... What a joke...

Confused

Im very confuse now. I dont know, really dont know why I will be like this. Im the one who chose to step out of the group first because I felt pressure, hurt and unhappy. Even though like this, we still got chat with each other, but not the usual way anymore.

I thought I already can let it go, but I just realized that Im not. How come ? I was okay when I saw her chat, play, 'crazy' happily with her new friends, but why now ? I thought I already can forget the pass, and to move forward. But looks like I was wrong, Im still care about her, and not only her, as well as others. I just dont know why, they keep avoiding me or ignoring me except some of them.

Human being is so damn cruel sometimes. Once they get a new friend, they will forget about their previous friends. Im not showing off or what, but Im telling the truth that, I will not do that. Even thought I knew some new friends, Im still care about my previous friends. Maybe because of this, they make fun with my feelings or using me as a tool.

I feel Im all alone in the class, no one to chat, no one to ask, all alone. I dont mean that everyone must treat me like a princess or what, just normal way. But you guys just trying to avoid me, I can feel that. Its too obvious, damn obvious.

Or maybe should I say Im too serious towards the friendship ? I think part of the answer is yes, because Im a person like that, too kind or something towards friends sometimes until they all use or play with my kindness. At the end, Im the one who get hurt and suffer. Is there any wrong for me to be too kind towards friends or too serious in friendship ?

Now, I feel scare to mix with any friends now. I know I say this, you guys will think Im childish or what, but I just dont want to experience the pain that I was and am suffering. Its really hurt, damn hurt until it can make someone to commit suicide even though its just for friendship problem.